Sorry young, naive lovers...

I used to be young & relatively innocent. Believe it or not. I had a red VW Jetta with a detachable stereo and a softly feathered mullet. My mind was clear(mostly) and my heart was tender and full of hope.
I decided when I was around 20 to pursue the Chef path. It would be difficult, I knew this. How incredibly difficult, however I had no idea. Then very shortly after, I met a young woman. We will call her A. I fell for A instantly. I knew when I saw her, when we spoke, flirted touched. I was in love.
We dated for a little over 18 months. I proposed, baked a giant cookie and put the ring on top. We were wed & had an incredible 4 or 5 years. They were BAR NONE the best years of my life. We had a baby, we had a 2nd. I was so content, so happy it was surreal.
Then something happened. I have tried, strained and twisted my mind into knots looking for the moment when I lost her. When the best thing that ever happened to me became a waking nightmare.
That's the thing; it doesn't just break. It bends. It warps and weakens until it is the same at a glance, but unquestionably irreparable. It is a series of small short-cuts, of missed opportunities, of little white lies. It is a river changing direction.
She began to have an affair; she was fucking my younger brother, sometimes in my bed.
We tried more than once to fix it. We tried to forgive, to reconcile. It was impossible, the fragile trust had been shattered.
So I soldiered on, focused on work. Perhaps too much. I began dating my co-Chef. Her name was J. She was very reticent at first, being both eager to begin a relationship with me, and being afraid of being compared to A or making me feel too pressured. When we began having sex, she said she was barren & had been since she was 18. This was at least a partial lie, because I got her pregnant. She wanted to end the pregnancy, I convinced her otherwise. I wanted a chance to redeem myself. To prove I could be a good, decent man. A father & husband/BF. A person of integrity, of strength.
I was wrong. I was weak and I took J for granted. I didn't propose to her quick enough. I was not able to provide for her or make her feel as though I was as ambitious as she was. After almost a year of being "mr. mom", staying home with my daughter almost every day, working part time and setting up my divorce/visitation schedule/support payments, J left me. She made up her mind in just about 24 hrs. She packed up with my baby girl and moved to the east coast. I was devastated.
That summer/fall was the darkest, most dangerous and self-destructive time I have lived through. I tried to drink myself to death. I planned my own death. My ex-wife's death. My own brother's death. I renounced God, in the rain one night. I burned a Bible. I roared "Strike me down you Coward!!"
Nothing happened, obviously.
In the few years since, I have dated a handful of women. Some a bit too young (26) some a bit older than I am (41), some with better character than others, some with more patience for my antics than others. Some I fell in love with. Last February I broke up my GF of a year because I felt "smothered", but a week or so realized what the truth was. It was this: I am a coward. I am so afraid of that pain, that I am willing to push something beautiful & pure away. I will cut off my nose to spite my face; to make a point. I know I deserve to be loved. I know I am an affectionate, kind, caring & decent man. I know my sons want me to be happy and not always alone & brooding. I know my daughter, wherever she is right now, whom I used to call my little "Budgee", would like to see me in love again. I miss her SO fucking badly.
The problem is fear & doubt. I am afraid to be heartbroken again. I am afraid to hurt someone again. I wonder if it's actually worth it. I am afraid if I will ever attract the right woman...
and I doubt if I can ever purge this fear from my heart. It seems so saturated, it is all I know.