Budgee, I'm terribly sorry to hear about this. There are lots of potential reasons why people stay in abusive relationships; they're all heartbreaking, but hopefully understanding some of them will help you a little bit. Some of the reasons are purely practical: Leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous part, as the threat of retaliatory violence increases dramatically. Financial obstacles also play a role, as victims often lack the means to attain financial independence: They may not have job skills or experience, and thus feel that they are utterly dependent on their abusers for their livelihoods (the tendency of abusers to exercise complete control over the couple's financial resources exacerbates this). In addition, abusers often isolate victims from their friends and family, meaning that the primary source of social validation for the victim comes from the abuser. We all need some source of emotional and social support, and abusers are extremely good at making sure their partners have nowhere to go for these things but through them. And all of this is just scratching the surface of why victims stay.

I do some volunteer work related to this, and one thing that was drilled into my head during training was that you have to respect the self-determination of survivors of domestic abuse, even if that means them making decisions you think are obviously bad ones. After all, victims have had enough of people telling them what to do. But this is obviously going to be much more difficult when it's your sister who's the one being hurt. One thing you might do (although you may have already done this) is to explain that over time, violence usually gets worse, and almost never gets better. It's not possible to appease abusers; when they hurt their partners and face no consequences for it, this emboldens them to abuse even more. Also, it's possible that your sister stays with the scum bag in part because she struggles to imagine a future without him; as bad as her situation is, the alternatives must seem worse. So it might help to focus your energies on empowering her to see options outside of the relationship, whether it involves career-related stuff or finding ways to develop healthy friendships outside of her current relationship.

Anyways, this is probably all really cliché, but it's the best I can do at the moment. I really do wish for better times for both you and your sister.

You're welcome.

Well, now you know why your sister does what she does, and why you'll never be able to change it.

She's been hardwired to think that to be in a relationship with someone said person needs to beat the crap out of her.

Perhaps, but there's some truth to it.


Due to social learning (from the relationship your parents had, as well as her relationship with them) she thinks that all "healthy" relationships between people need to involve abuse.

Tell her to do something about it or don't bother calling you next time. Sounds harsh but you can't make people do the right thing at times.

No kids, so there *IS* a silver lining

That's a very large lime, or a very small lemon. Or else Sprite has been up to no good.

He was amazing