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Post by Vroom Vroom on May 30, 2016 11:57:08 GMT -6
1 out of 10. Sad and self pitying post incoming!
The majority of my confidence is gone and it effects me to the point of messaging my friends and wondering if I'll slip up and offend them. I actually feel like everything I do is burdensome to everyone else, including posting on the internet. I have two dreams left (one can barely be described as a dream, but it is something that I gave myself for the sake of having something to aim for) as all the others have been destroyed and are impossible to achieve. The true dream is to buy my own house.
I've reached the point to where nearly all of my face to face interactions with human beings feel awkward. When I was young most of my friends moved away, so I got to the point to where I stopped trying too hard in terms of making them. I have come to the conclusion that my awkwardness is a defense mechanism of sorts. The two oldest friends that I currently have access to are ones I made in sixth grade, speaking of which, one is moving to the other side of the country, doh. That'll knock the number of real life friends that I have down to five. I can't make new ones because my confidence is so low and because I am distrusting of newcomers these days.
I feel like I am this big void of near nothingness. I'm wandering around aimlessly without any sense of purpose or direction. Indeed, it is natural that I feel worthless as I don't have a job and cannot find one that doesn't relate to fast food or working at a super market (I despise working both of these career tracks). I feel that in this way I do nothing, but bring shame upon my mother and father.
To add to things, my age's dating pool in my town has cleared out and those that remain are married or with baby. In the end it doesn't matter though, because the one person that I was remotely interested in has moved on. I simply don't feel interested in anyone else. It isn't as though I am codependent on her and attached at the hip (though I do feel a degree of attachment), rather I just feel disinterest in everyone else in terms of attraction. I again bring shame upon my family for my lack of marriage and partnership. I must look quite hopeless to mom and dad. It isn't as if they give me shit about it or say anything, but that's what I think they must feel like on an internal level.
It is funny how when I was a kid I longed to be an adult and now, at the age of 24, I'd give nearly anything to be a kid again because life sucks. This world isn't the one that I imagined or wanted and I feel that by in large, I have made nearly all the wrong choices that I could make from my college major to my level of focus and filtering everyone out in school so that I'd get the best grades.
On the flip side, at least I am not suicidal. Despite how life may go, how my desires my be crushed under heel, and however much I may disappoint myself, I have an interest in seeing how things turn out. But yeah, my confidence level is rock bottom and then some.
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