They can't be that bad.
I do that too... 

I hear very quiet voices and whispering when I'm in a silent room, I can barely hear them but they are there. I do not understand any words but one - my name. I know its all in my head though so I don't freak out. 

I've been committing tax fraud.

It's because you killed them, isn't it?

I once desecrated a park bench.

Granted I was 17 and drunk as fuck with some buddies, but the damn firewood we got from the woods was too damn damp though so we threw the bench over the fire and walked along the top of it as the flames licked at it. It was all fun and games until the park ranger started making rounds so we were like, shit shit shit, thus we "hid" the bench behind a tree (once again we were pretty intoxicated). Ranger noticed it, called the cops and he took our IDs until they got there. They asked us some questions and I knew letting it slip that I had just joined the Army with my mom's signed consent would get us off easy and it did. Instead, we had to wake up at the crack of dawn and build them a brand new bench, while we were all hungover.

I shot the sheriff and the deputy...


But seriously, I've done nothing I'm ashamed of... cringeworthy stuff, yes. Shameful, no.

lol

I stole a pepper grinder from a fairly nice restaurant once.

I consider it sorta just, though. My expensive food sucked, and it was cold.

Stuffed that bitch in my paaaaaaaants and walked out lookin' like I had the chubs.