It's a heavy poem with heavy themes but they touch upon very human feelings. I would say lose the lofty language and the rhymes, work these raw emotions into language that is current, that is relatable. Why? Lofty language should be for lofty tales, for stories about dragons and gods and rhymes are pretty, this poem isn't pretty. It's sad, it's depressing and the disconect is all too real when you seperate the humanity of this story with words like 'such is', 'rend', 'atain'. It would seem at first that this kind of langauge would speak more profoundly on the human experience, but a lot of the times it doesn't. Slam poetry seems more fitting to this kind of emotional context.

I think it's a lot easier to show you slam and how it really gets to the roots of these issues. I should have said 'it's good but...' at first, since it's not a bad first one, just that I personally feel that Slam is a lot more powerful for poems that seem to come from the heart.

Oh it's excruciatingly difficult. I can right 33 page papers on single words and their morphological system, tomes on cross cultural communication patterns and god knows what about anything else including pages nad pages of fiction that i am constantyl restarting and restarting.

Poems can be short inside my attention span but finding one that works and building one is challenging and difficult. more so than crafting a story about a guy and a guy and a dog and an explosoin or some shit.

Basically. I wrote this in one night few minor edits there's alot i want ot change about it. If the rhyming thing can be done away (because I do not know muych at all beyond they are generally supposed to have a rhyming scheme and i tried to keep that going) I know i would be happy.