Oh yeah, those guys are fun, I've had at least 5 calls from people with Indian accents saying that they're "from windows" and that my computer has an "internet virus." Internet viruses aren't the same thing as computer viruses, they tell me. Even if I have an antivirus scanner, it will only protect me from computer viruses.

So the first time they called me, I wasn't in the mood, so I just hung up on them, but the second time, I heard them out. They asked me to look at the administrative events in the event viewer, and told me that all the errors were caused by the internet virus. Then, they told me they needed $200 to remove the internet virus, so I told them,
"$200 dollars is more than my mother allows me to spend."
"Your mother?"
"Yes, my mother."
And they hung up.

The third guy who called was probably the most fun. When he said my computer had an internet virus, I said "Which one? I have a computer upstairs for doing my taxes, a computer in my garden for controlling the lights, a computer in my basement for watching porn and playing World of Warcraft..."
"Yes, that one," he interrupts, "The one in the basement."
So I log on to my computer, let him walk me through the process of checking the event viewer, and when he asks for money, I tell him I don't have a credit card, that I don't trust credit cards. So he tells me to drive to Target, buy some gift cards, and tell him the codes on them. I tell him that I don't own a car either, that I can't drive because I had lost my legs in a train accident. I think it might be fun if I could try and see whether he'll feel sorry for me or doubt my story first, but he just keeps going. He asks me if I have any family or a girlfriend who can drive me to Target, and I tell him that I live alone. He's like "what? Why don't you have a girlfriend?"
Eventually, he tries to make a deal. He tells me that if I wheel myself over to Target and buy him the giftcards, he'll send me hundreds of pornographic videos.
So I tell him, "Why would I want your porn? I can get all the porn I want on the internet for free."
"I will send you a special *live* porn video," he says.
"Live porn?" I ask. "Starring who, you?"
"... yes, me!"
"No thanks, I don't swing that way."
"Why not?"
"... because I don't!"
And at that point I hung up because this has gotten too weird.

Then, the fourth time they called, I just pretended to mistake my TV for my PC and let them struggle to explain how to find the event viewer.
"The start button? Where's that, all I see is this guy in a cage, and I think that's a shark outside."

They haven't called in a while though, I sort of miss those guys.

I immediately hang up every time.

I don't have time to waste on human vermin like these people.

I don’t answer any calls from private numbers or numbers I don’t recognize. Sometimes I get voicemails with automated messages that are in Mandarin, and it’s like, “When the fuck have I ever spoken in Mandarin. No se habla Chino, cabrones.”

I’ve been told that the gist of those automated messages is that the “Chinese government is looking for you and you better call this number.” Presumably that’s where they try to shake you down for money.

Nigerian ones. Claiming to be from Microsoft. Wanting me to install some small "anti virus" patch so I could deal with some horrible new virus.

I had them call once and say they were calling to help with my windows. I told them hold on a second and stood in front of my front room window. Then I asked if they were with hansons (a local window company) and well it got increasingly complex until the man proposed because I'm single and he thought my voice was a woman's... That was the last time I used English to answer them lol

Why you fooling him? He just gonna give you antivirus long time? Why you fooling?